


I'm Not Made by Design

by ljames54



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Drama, Experimentation, Family, Fluff, Forgiveness, High School, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Love Confession, M/M, Please Forgive me, Relationship(s), Secrets, Smut, Teenagers, Why Did I Write This?, cheating?, explicit - Freeform, mentions of Connor, smut with plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2018-12-16 14:05:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11830281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ljames54/pseuds/ljames54
Summary: An unexpected event in the Adams-Foster family grants a new, profound experience for everyone.





	1. Ricochet

**Author's Note:**

> OK, so I've decided to do the humane thing and do a nice buildup/plot before I get into what this story's *really* about. So that's what the first two chapters are; the third chapter is going to be almost entirely different. You have been warned.
> 
> This whole concept legit came to me in a dream. Don't ask me why, but it did. So, I need to get it out of my head and into writing, so I'm sharing it here now for the sake of my own mind. LOL  
> That said, this writing isn't gonna be perfect, again. But, I've put a lot of time into this to make it look at least a bit decent for what it's going to be.
> 
> So if you want to retain at least some innocence, then only read the first two chapters. Other than that, I'm gonna lose pretty much all of mine lmao
> 
> Enjoy ;)

Sand. Fingers. Repeat. Jude was in a trance. Lying on his stomach, arms in front, bathing in another summer day. He was playing with the sand around him – grabbing a handful, letting it slip through his fingers, and then repeating the act. He paid little attention to whatever music his boyfriend was playing. In fact, he wasn’t paying much attention to his boyfriend at all, let alone anything else around him. It didn’t even occur to him that his elder foster brother had decided to go for a swim… but, right now, Jude was in Jude-land. The sand being the only thing he felt like concentrating on.

“ _Jude!_ ” shouted a voice, disturbing Jude’s trance. Jude looked up, irritation clear on his face, trying to figure out who had bothered him. As it turns out, the source was no more than two feet away: Jude instantly spotting two brown eyes staring right into him.

“What?” Jude tried not to sound irritated, but based on the other boy’s reaction it probably didn’t work.

“Where were you? I’ve been trying to get your attention for the past minute.”

Truth be told, Jude didn’t know _where_ he was. He took another look around, readjusting to the scene. The Adams-Foster family had decided to spend a day out at the beach, taking advantage of the summer rays, along with Mike, Aaron and Noah tagging along. Stef proposed the idea only just yesterday, stating that they never get out as a family anymore, so it was more of a compulsory visit to the beach than a voluntary decision.

Jude was bored out of his mind. He knew he wouldn’t ever tan so he was wasting his time soaking in the rays, and he wasn’t even remotely interested in dipping into the water. He only wished he was still at home, lounging around playing video games again…

“Jude…” Whoops. Apparently he’d zoned out again.

“Why, what’s going on?” Jude mumbled drunkenly. The brown-haired boy suddenly leaned in closer, clicking his fingers loudly in front of Jude’s face.

“Earth to Jude: wake up. Your planet needs you.” Jude smiled at his idiot of a boyfriend, attempting to swat Noah’s clicking fingers with his own hand. “I was just wondering,” started Noah, before Jude decided the roll onto his side toward Noah, propping his head up with his other hand.

“Wondering what?” teased Jude. Anything to take away this boredom, he thought. If he could get away with even just a few kisses in front of his moms…

Noah smiled, trying to play it off. “Your brother… should he be swimming with a TBI?”

“Who, Jesus?”

“No, the other one. Y’know, who plays guitar and sings really badly?”

“Hey, come on... I can’t be _that_ bad.” came Brandon’s voice, having just came back in from the water. Callie and Mariana were also nearby, trying not to laugh again at the act they’d witnessed just a couple of weeks ago.

“Whatever you say, _Brandon Canyon_.” teased Jude, looking up at his older brother. At this, Callie and Mariana lost control; sassy Jude was the best Jude. Brandon stormed off, looking rather red, leaving Jude and Noah also in a fit of giggles.

“You’re such a dick,” laughed Noah.

“So are you.” teased Jude. Noah jerked his eyebrows, perhaps trying to imply some sort of hidden innuendo even though there was none. Jude took this opportunity to shower Noah’s body with a handful of sand, knowing full well what the consequences would be.

“You did not…” gasped Noah, looking at the sand on him as if he was trying to convince himself it wasn’t really there. When he looked back at Jude, it was obvious he was out for revenge.

“No, wait, no,” Jude pleaded, before a second showering of sand was returned over Jude. Before they knew it they were wrestling each other’s hands, trying to prevent each other from grabbing anymore handfuls of sand. Noah ended up having Jude’s wrists in his grip, clearly winning the game.

“Now what’re you gonna do?” said Noah, his face wearing a massive, evil smirk as he held Jude’s wrists with ease.

“I should be asking you that question,” grunted Jude, trying to break free. Fair enough; neither of them could lob any more sand at each other, as both their hands were full. At this thought Noah’s smile grew wider, before suddenly leaning in to smooch his surprised boyfriend. At the touch, both their grips weakened, becoming more tender and carefree. Noah invited Jude to deepen the kiss, but Jude wasn’t sure his moms would appreciate even more proximity; they were breaking enough rules as it was-

“ _JESUS!!_ ” screamed a voice suddenly. Noah and Jude broke apart like wildfire, desperately looking around for the source of the scream. “ _JESUS!!_ ” It was Lena, obviously terrified. The conversation from earlier hit Jude’s stomach in the gut – _Jesus was in trouble_. He looked up toward the ocean, not seeing anything.

Lena was already standing, screaming after her son; Stef was starting to move toward the water, but was desperately looking around as if she’d find a solution around her. Jude started walking toward the water also, but it was as if his feet were carrying him there. He took one last look at Noah, a look of clear concern and desperation on his face, unsure of what to do. Noah made to come after him, but before he had a chance Jude had looked back. He saw something in the water – a hand, maybe? He glanced at Stef, who was clearly in shock and wasn’t thinking straight. _She hadn’t seen it – Jude had_.

Without thinking Jude ran straight into the water, keeping his eyes on the point where he saw movement. He could hear voices calling after him, but he ignored it. He had to do this. The ground fell away as he pushed deeper into the water, making his way toward… _Jesus_. It looked as though he was struggling, but… not struggling. _Seizure_ , thought Jude. _He’s having another seizure_.

Jude swam as fast as he could, not even knowing he could swim like that. In that moment it was his foster brother – no, his _family_ – that was in trouble; perhaps this is what gave him the strength to give chase. Much sooner than he thought, he suddenly grasped on to something solid – something soft. _Jesus_.

 _Get him back_ , is all Jude thought. _Get him back._ Jude grabbed hold of Jesus’s arm and wrapped it around his neck, whilst trying to keep them both above water. With every ounce of strength he pushed his way back to the shore, but he could feel himself giving into the struggle. _Get him back. Get him back_.

Another body suddenly appeared over a wave – _Stef_. And then another – _Brandon. Aaron. Mike_. Some other strangers. They grabbed both Jude and Jesus, helping to support them back to the shore. Jude could make out Lena and the others ahead of them, hands over their faces in a mixture of shock and relief, and Noah. Noah was wearing an expression Jude couldn’t read. Something that Jude didn’t have time to analyse.

Getting out to reach Jesus seemed to be a lot quicker than getting back to the shore, but it was over unusually quickly once they got there. Jude sat on his hands and knees, trying to clear the daze in his mind. Brandon was walking back and forth, cursing himself with his face in his hands. Stef and Mike were kneeled over Jesus, who, as it turned out, was coming to as if nothing much had happened.

“Moms… what happened? Where am I?”

“Jesus, sweetheart just breathe, OK? You’re OK we’re all OK, we’re here,” said Stef on shaky breaths, trying to control herself. Jude managed to carry himself over to Jesus, who was now collecting an audience, to assess the damage. Jesus’s seizure, however, appeared to have masked a lot of what just happened.

“Mom, I feel fine-“

“Jesus you almost _drowned_ , love. You had another _seizure_ in the _fucking_ water, of all places!” Stef didn’t mean to be severe, Jude knew that. The way she worded it sounded as if she was blaming Jesus for the seizures, when they were merely erratic. Mike placed an arm on her shoulder in an attempt to calm her, making her realize what she’d just said.

“Mom-“

“It’s alright, Jesus, it’s not your fault. We’re here, alright? Everything’s fine.” said Mike, filling in for Stef who had now lost her confidence to speak. She instead raised her hand to Lena, notifying her that it was OK to come over. Jude decided to back off and give them some space, before remembering something. Something important.

“Brandon!” he shouted, walking over to him and trying to get his attention. Brandon stopped pacing, removed his hands from his face and looked up at Jude, an unstable emotion in his eyes. They were heavily red, but Jude was unsure whether it was because of the saltwater or the stream of tears racing down his face. Jude’s initial thought of anger and hatred quickly melted away, leaving pure sympathy for his older brother, unstably crumbling in front of him.

“I-I-I was s-supposed t-to look out f-for him… It’s m-my fault, I was supposed t-to watch him.. I-I shouldn’t have, I k-know I, I j-just… F-fuck…” Brandon’s tears returned again, taking over as he collapsed on his knees. Jude just stood there, staring at the crumble of his older-brother before him. He couldn’t leave him – not now. Brandon needed him. He needed _someone_.

Jude kneeled down in front of him, trying to reassure him into letting his guard down. As soon as he saw the opportunity, Brandon latched onto Jude like there was nothing else in the world, physically begging for forgiveness. Jude returned the motion, holding his shaking, emotional brother in his arms.

At this point the lifeguards had arrived with a buggy, preparing to take Jesus away. Jude looked over Brandon’s shoulder at the scene unfolding before him, and managed to lock eyes with his other brother. His expression: one that Jude had never seen before.


	2. Aftermath

“Are you sure about this?”

A stupid question if ever there was one. Did Noah forget that Jesus was family? Everyone else had already left, but Noah was holding one last person behind: Jude. That day at the beach had revealed something in everyone, and now Jude was afraid it was only just starting to take effect.

“Noah, he’s my brother, of course I’m sure. I practically saved him, didn’t I?”

“That’s what I’m worried about.”

“What… who are you, even?”

“I haven’t changed. I just want to make sure you don’t go running into something you can’t control, again.”

“Well I can at least control _this_.”

Jude didn’t have time for this. He didn’t have time to deal with whoever his boyfriend now was. He didn’t understand what had changed, or why, but he didn’t even care as he pushed past Noah after the others. Noah stood there for a minute, sucking on his bottom lip, contemplating on whether to leave or to follow Jude; but his decision was already made.

Just _why_ was Noah acting this way? Jude couldn’t understand it. Ever since he waded out of the beach with Jesus around him, Noah had seemed to remain distant. He was like a ghost. Even when he was close to Jude, he always felt so far away.

Hence why he couldn’t handle Noah right now. Noah was okay. Noah was safe. Noah was alive. That’s all that mattered to Jude. Jesus, however… Jesus needed him. He needed his family. Jude couldn’t put Noah’s problems in front of that. No one could.

Finding himself at the door to the ward, Jude took a deep breath. He took a glimpse inside the room through the shutters, as if he was making sure the coast was clear. Only Jesus, his moms, siblings, and Dr. Danville were in the room. All of whom, seemed to be laughing.

“There he is! My Princess Charming.” said a drunken sounding Jesus as soon as Jude entered the room. Jude stopped for a minute, one hand on the door handle, a weird expression brewing on his face.

“Jesus is quite, as you might say, _baked_.” explained Danville. Jude tried his hardest not to laugh at this, given his experiences with Noah. “I’ve got him on some strong medications for now, but his other side-effects were… unforeseen.”

“I love you, doc. Y-you are a really g-great guy and you d-deserve to have a good t-time-“

“Jesus..” said Stef reproachfully, but she couldn’t ignore the laughter coming from around the room. Brandon was skulking at the back of the group, trying to fit in with the scene but at the same time trying to avoid it.

“Your moms and I agreed that we should take extra measures, just in case. I haven’t yet had a patient who’s had a seizure whilst swimming before, so there’s likely some extra factors we still don’t know about. Time will tell.” finished Danville.

“At the moment, he looks perfectly fine.” said Mariana, smiling at her dork of a brother.

“Damn right, whatever you’re g-giving me is amazing.”

“Well, I’ll leave you all alone with him. Let me know if you need anything.”

Lena affectionately rested her hand on Danville’s shoulder, as a way of thanking him. She seemed lost for words in the moment. Jude smiled at him as he walked out, before making his way closer to Jesus’s bed.

“You, Princess, y-you came in for me,” slurred Jesus. Jude looked quizzically at everyone, a small grin on his face.

“Princess?” he asked, wanting confirmation.

“We had to tell him what happened… he wouldn’t stop asking otherwise.” explained Mariana.

“And y-you’re a Prince because you g-got me, but because you’re g-gay you’re a Princess.” At this, Lena decided to speak.

“Jesus, please.” she said reprovingly.

“It’s OK,” laughed Jude, before looking back down to Jesus. “I don’t know what came over me… I just saw you for a split second, and… before I knew it I was in the wat-”

Without warning, Jesus suddenly sat up and reached for Jude. His hand met Jude’s cheek first, before closing the gap in a firm but brief kiss. It was over as quick as it started, but when Jesus laid back down Jude suddenly stood back, red over his face, looking between Jesus and the others as if expecting another explanation. They, too, seemed to be in as much shock, before the realization of Jesus’s meds started to kick in.

“He deserved that.” said Jesus, smiling widely as if it had all been a big joke.

Callie started the giggles first, followed by Stef, followed by the rest of the room. It had been the last thing anyone had been expecting, which helped lessen the tension of not just Jesus’s health and wellbeing, but also his desire to kiss whomever saved him from death.

Jude was the first to begin settling down from his high, and when he did he immediately locked eyes again with Jesus, who was also coming down. Their eyes froze on each other for perhaps longer than was normal for the two of them, but again Jude saw the same expression. Behind all the medication, there was something serious there. Something Jude wasn’t expecting.

 

~~

 

Danville needed to do another check-up on Jesus, so everyone except Stef and Lena had left the room and were now stalling in the waiting room. Jude was surprised to see Noah was still there, sitting with his back to him in one of the chairs. After the way they engaged each other before, Jude wasn’t sure he would have stuck around after storming off. Yet there he was, sitting right before him.

Even though he was having trouble understanding Noah’s behaviour, he was thankful that Noah was still there. Regardless of whatever distance Jude felt between them, he needed the support during Jesus’s condition, and just seeing Noah there gave him that support.

“Hey,” said Jude, biting the bullet. It wouldn’t be very norm to just stand there staring at him. Noah turned around, looking somewhat surprised. When he saw it was Jude his expression faltered a little, but it was now being replaced with what looked like regret.

“Hey.” he replied, shuffling a little in his seat as if to invite Jude next to him. Jude took it, sitting down and cupping his hand in Noah’s. He needed to show some reassurance in this moment. Jude doesn’t know why, but it felt right.

“I’m sorry…” started Jude. Noah looked up at him, confused. “…for being who I am.” Jude didn't know what he was saying, but he felt he needed to explain himself. Noah adjusted their hands so that his hand was on top of Jude’s, now looking empathetic.

“Jude, don’t… don’t ever apologize for being who you are.” Now it was Jude who looked up, confused.

“But, you, the way you-“

“I was an idiot. I shouldn’t have judged you for what you did, but… when you looked at me, that day on the beach, I… I saw desperation. I saw passion. I saw love. And then, when you ran off away from me after Jesus… I… I took that too seriously.”

Jude snorted. “You thought I was giving my love to the ocean?”

Noah forced a smile. “No, it’s not that… You ran away from me, with all of that, to Jesus. You saved his life, and I’ve never seen that side of you before.”

“What are you saying?” Noah looked down at their hands, trying to find the right words.

“I’m saying that, the way I saw it, you gave all of that to him, as if it would be your last. And, not only was I jealous of what direction you chose, but… I also found it quite selfish.” Jude’s heart dropped. Was Noah saying what Jude thought he was saying?

“You were scared to lose me?” said Jude, exasperated. Noah didn’t say anything, but his body expressions were giving Jude the answer. Noah’s grip on Jude’s hand tightened.

“I’ve never been so angry, and so scared, and so upset like that in my life.” Noah’s voice was starting to shake. Jude returned a tighter grip, reassuring Noah it was OK. “But, after you stormed off… I began to realize how much of a fool I’ve been.”

“Noah…”

“You love Jesus. He’s your family, and I see now that you would do anything for him. For anyone, for that matter.”

Jude looked down at their locked hands. It was true. After being a part of the Adams-Foster family for all these years, he’d gotten to trust his new siblings. He’d gotten to love them like a brother or sister. And, based on his past experiences in his other foster homes, Jude is secretly afraid he might still lose his new family, making him realize that he’d do anything to try and prevent that. Even if it meant risking his own life; for Callie’s sake.

“But when I was going through all those emotions that day, I only now just realized what that meant.” Noah gulped and looked up at Jude, who returned the contact. Jude knew what was coming, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit it. He fought back tears whilst he waited for Noah to continue. “I love you. And I don’t want to lose you, either.”

Jude let out a shaky sigh of relief, even though there was nothing to be afraid of, whilst reaching toward Noah and pulling him into a hug. He grabbed a clump of Noah’s hair in one hand whilst the other squeezed his back, making sure to never let go until Noah got the message. Jude loved him, too.


	3. In Debt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, I think I've officially lost my innocence. You've been warned. :*

Noah looked up at Jude, uncertainty in his eyes; as if when he turned to leave he would never see him again. Jude just looked back, hoping that he looked reassuring, and tightened the grip on Noah’s hand for just a little longer. It had only been a week since Jesus’s incident at the beach, but the memory of it was still fresh in everyone’s mind. Especially Jude and Noah’s.

Only just the day after, Noah had confessed his love to Jude. It was still a weird feeling… being in love again. The last time he was in love was when… Jude looked away, screwing up his face as if he lingered on a bad smell. Noah noticed this, and maneuvered their locked hands just slightly to let Jude know he was there.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jude realized the face he was pulling and made an effort to recover it, but as soon as he did he felt loss and sorrow overwhelm him.

“Nothing…” Jude sighed, attempting to smile, but fading again when he saw Noah’s face. Noah knew that look. They’d been here before.

“Is it your ex...” Noah struggled to pull up the name, almost as if he lingered on a bad smell, also. “Connor?”

Jude practically flinched at the name, but managed to keep their hands intertwined. He simply gulped and gave a feeble nod, looking down at his feet.

“Tell me. I’m not in any hurry to go anywhere…” said Noah, looking behind him at the street as if he was expecting someone to be waiting for him.

Jesus had been able to come home much sooner than expected, to everyone’s surprise. Stef and Lena arranged a small ‘Welcome Home’ gathering for Jesus’s quick recovery and, naturally, Jude invited Noah. All throughout the dinner, Jude and Jesus kept glancing at each other. At one point it looked as though Jesus was remorseful of something, but he quickly shook it off when he was directed toward another conversation.

Jude was hoping that Noah hadn’t noticed too much. The fact that he was so distracted was resulting in giving his boyfriend less attention. Something seemed to have caught up with the both of them now, however, as Noah’s questioning gaze was impossible to ignore.

"It just… I don’t know…” Jude didn’t know what to say, or how to word it. “It still feels kinda weird, us being in love… Not that I don’t love you!” Jude added in defense, hoping the previous sentence didn’t come out wrong. “It’s just... after everything that’s happened…”

Noah looked down as well, subtly nodding and biting his lower lip. Jude hated it when he did that. Noah was never clear on his emotions or his mood whenever he pulled that pose. To his surprise, Noah looked back up, determination clear in his eyes.

“I’ve been thinking about that, too. I… I felt a little desperate that day, like I was going to lose you. Like that day at the beach…” Jude’s breath hitched as he listened to Noah, scared to say anything; a desire instead burning on his lips. “I just... I just wanted to make sure you wou-”

Noah was cut off as Jude’s mouth landed on his, sealing the conversation and answering Noah’s inevitable reasoning for declaring his love. Noah gasped back in shock as his eyes widened, before slamming shut to revel in the taste of Jude. Everything that both of the boys needed were right there, between both of them: the answers, the feelings, the love.

At first the kiss was placid, slow and deliberate. Jude raised his hand to cup Noah’s cheek, deepening the kiss. With no one presently there to see them in the darkness outside the house, and no beach to be caught on, Noah brought both his hands over the back of Jude’s head, tugging at his hair. Jude whimpered at the tension, Noah returning a moan into Jude’s mouth.

Before they both knew what was happening, Jude’s back suddenly hit the front door. They broke apart for a second, listening to see if the impact had made too much noise. After a deep breath they reconnected again, making out for what seemed like an eternity. Jude squeezed Noah’s shoulders every time he pulled a strand of Jude’s hair, making both of them arc up at the sensation. Noah was about to break off and start moving down Jude’s neck, when a car door slammed nearby which completely broke them apart.

Out of breath, they both looked at each other for a good minute, each taking in their disheveled figures. Jude’s hair was a mess, sticking out at all the wrong angles, whilst Noah’s shirt was all crumpled up near his neck. Finally, Noah stepped forward, making sure not to let any part of him touch Jude. Jude accepted the challenge… whatever it was… but hated the loss of his body.

Noah looked down at him, which seemed surprising at first until he realized he was slightly slumping against the front door.

“Jude.” Noah’s tone turned serious, as did his entire persona. Jude felt a shiver go down his spine. “We… we don’t have to be in love. If you’re not ready for it… then I don’t have to be, either.” Jude looked at him in awe, and if it wasn’t for the way the light was shining on Noah’s face he could’ve sworn he attempted to smile.

“Noah…” Jude made to move forward again, to reconnect himself on Noah’s lips to give him the answer. Instead, Noah held out his hand, simply pushing Jude back with ease.

“No. I want to hear it from you.” Jude could tell Noah was having a really hard time acting so serious. He knew that he made him crazy, so any effort to keep Jude away from him was pretty much undeserved self-punishment.

“I…” Jude looked up at him, then looked down, as if the answer was written on the welcome mat. Finally, Jude knew what he wanted. In love or not, Jude wanted to be with Noah. That much was certain. “We… I think we should try. I… like you too much not to love you, but…”

“You’re not ready for it.” Noah finished for him. Jude looked down again, nodding his head in defeat. He could almost feel the disappointment flooding into Noah, but surprisingly he still stood tall and reached for Jude’s hand. Jude let him take it and play with it, letting him feel the fingers, the webs, the palm, before finally entangling it in his own. Jude looked up into Noah’s eyes, almost wanting to apologize. He refrained. Noah leaned forward just enough that his forehead was pressed against Jude’s, their breath landing on each other, noses brushing.

“I should probably get going…” said Noah, almost regretfully.

“Yeah…” Noah tilted Jude’s head with his free hand, angling it so he could kiss him one more time. This time it was soft, slow, and full of emotion. Noah suddenly pulled back, looking at Jude and giving a soft smile, before turning around and disappearing into the dark street.

 

~~

 

Jude sat there for a few more minutes, trying to compile his thoughts after what had just happened. Before he had a good chance to mull it over, the door behind him suddenly attempted to open, making him jump.

“What the- Jude!?” Jude straightened up and moved away from the door to see Callie manage to walk out. She had a backpack on; torn jeans and a lazy cut off shirt. Her makeup seemed to be rushed. “What the hell are you doing out here?”

“Nothing.” Jude said innocently, trying not to blush. Callie smirked that ‘ _I know everything, I’m your sister_ ’ smirk, pinching her younger brother on the shoulder. “What the hell are _you_ doing out here?” Jude decided to mock back.

“Easy, little bro. I’m heading over to Aaron’s, remember?” Jude tried recollecting his earlier thoughts from dinner, a memory suddenly clicking into place. “Or were you that interested in Jesus that you didn’t notice?”

Jude froze on the spot. “What are you talking about?”

Callie smirked again, but it more so looked as though she was hiding a look of concern. “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on between you two… it’s probably just his meds… But, just be careful, okay? You know what he’s like…” Callie didn’t have to explain anymore to him. He remembered that day in the hospital fairly clearly.

“Callie. You’re telling _me_ to be careful?”

“Don’t pin this back on me! Ever since you dumped Connor you’ve been-” Callie stopped, realizing what she said. Her tone was playful, but her eyes suddenly widened when she mentioned Connor. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

Jude reached out and pulled her into a hug, much to the surprise of Callie. Jude’s never been a big hugger. “I know you never mean to.” he said. Callie closed her eyes, fighting back passive tears, understanding Jude’s meaning. They broke apart when Stef shouted out from the kitchen, yelling at someone (presumably Callie) to close the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, little bro.” said Callie, managing a smile. Jude watched her disappear off down the stairs and around the corner to her car, before giving in to the inevitable and heading back inside.

Stef came bustling around the corner from the kitchen the instant he came in, holding a bowl of popcorn. She stopped for a second as if she’d never seen him before.

“And who are you, stranger?” She walked up to him, looking at his still ruffled hair before flattening it with her free hand. “You need to get a boyfriend who doesn’t mess up our son’s handsome looks,” she chuckled, moving into the living room. Jude blushed furiously at how he must have looked, glancing around the room to find somewhere, or something, to hide himself. Thankfully, Stef changed the subject. “Lena and I are going to watch a movie Mariana suggested. You’re welcome to join us.” Jude processed this information before realizing that Mariana was involved.

“Chick flick?” he asked.

“Mom, I don’t think Jude’s gay enough to get into chick flicks, yet,” sassed Mariana, who appeared coming down the stairs, flashing her beautiful long eyelashes at Jude.

“Mariana…” said Stef reprovingly, but she too was struggling to hold back a smile.

“But yes, it _is_ a chick flick, Judicorn.” she winked as she scuttled past him.

“Yeah… I’ll pass. Thanks, though.” said Jude, making his way up the stairs. He had some much needed thinking to do, and he’d much rather do it in isolation than around a tissue-laden couch, listening to his moms and sister bawl their eyes out at the TV. Jude almost rolled his eyes at the thought.

As he made it into his room he noticed Jesus was nowhere to be seen, but he decided not to think much of it. Instead he decided to idle over his desk where an increasing pile of homework was forming. He stared at an exposed page for a few minutes, analyzing the math question on it. Instead of looking for an answer, his thoughts receded back to Noah. He looked at the question as though its answer would help him to understand.

How could Jude possibly be in love? He was still so young, so innocent. So… pure. Jude shivered at the last thought. They’d both made advances on each other in the past, but they never got anywhere. Something, or someone, had always interrupted them. _Which probably wasn’t a bad thing_ , Jude thought. _Yeah… wasn’t a bad thing at all_.

He ignored the familiar tug in his lower stomach and decided to get ready for bed, but as he turned around to go to the bathroom a large hand pushed him back.

“Jesus, Jesus!” Jude screamed at his older brother, falling back onto his desk chair and gripping at his chest. “Don’t do that!” Jesus chuckled softly, looking down at Jude with… affection? Lust? Jude couldn’t quite place the expression.

“Where were you going?” he asked, straining his voice in a playful way. Jude looked at him in bewilderment.

“Um. To the bathroom?” Jesus slowly took a few steps closer, letting his arms swing loosely with each step.

“ _Why?_ ” his voice was impossibly soft, letting the word drag out much longer than it needed to. What was he playing at?

“Uh, t-to get ready for bed?” Jude couldn’t help his stammer. Jesus was starting to worry him as he got ever closer, a smirk tugging at one corner of his lips. Once he reached Jude he leaned down, putting one hand on the desk and one hand on the chair he was sitting on. This time his voice was determined, but his expression stayed the same.

“No you’re not.” he whispered, his breath sending shivers down Jude’s spine. Was he on his meds again?

Jude realized he was slouching, forcing himself to sit up straight and stare Jesus in the eyes. He was determined, too. Determined to get out of whatever this was.

“Why not?” Jude’s voice was strong, full of control. He hoped it was enough to get Jesus out of his stupor. Instead, Jesus’s smirk got wider, revealing some of his whitened teeth.

“I never thanked you properly, for saving my life.” For a second Jude swore that Jesus’s smirk faded a little bit, but he quickly regained… whatever it was.

“I thought you already did, remember?” Jude forced a smirk as well, trying to convince Jesus to back away. Jesus just smiled widely, letting loose a small laugh at the memory.

“I was high as a kite that day,” _You still are,_ Jude thought. “Now… now I have a little more… control…” Jude shivered at the words. What exactly was his game? Jesus crawled a little closer, his breath now heating up Jude’s face. Jude tried to scoot back as much as he could, but being in a chair the attempt didn’t last long.

Before he could do anything else, Jesus grabbed Jude’s hand that was still planted firmly on his chest (unbeknownst to Jude, who forgot it was there), and maneuvered it until the palm was facing downward. With one last glance up at Jude, Jesus leaned in and started leaving soft kisses on the knuckles, keeping his hand firmly in place by the hold of his fingers. Jude’s breath hitched at the sensation of Jesus’s lips, and he fought to try and say something, but nothing came out. Jude’s head was spinning. No one, not even Noah or Connor, had handled him like this before; had handled him as if he would break at the slightest touch.

Jesus placed another kiss on one of the knuckles, this time sucking a little bit on the skin. Jude made another effort to resist, managing to let a few words escape his mouth.

“Jesus… what are you doing…”

Jesus bit at another part of skin before looking back up at Jude, eyes full of only one thing: Desire.

“Thanking you.” he whispered, almost with a slight moan in his voice. He lowered his head back down again, lingering on the knuckles before slowly, teasingly, tracing down the length of his fingers. Jude couldn’t think. This was wrong and they both knew it, but at the same time, Jude couldn’t help but enjoy it. His breath kept hitching at all the right parts, taking in the sensation of Jesus’s impossibly soft lips.

“This… this isn’t right…” Jude managed to whimper out. In the back of his mind he had every reason to deny that this was happening, to try and attempt to stop it; but the dark thoughts in his head kept pushing forward, making Jude feel guilty by even saying those three words. He hated this. Hated that he had no control. Hated that he just melted at any sign of physical contact. But deep down… something stirred inside him that made him realize just how perverse this was. And he loved it, no matter how hard he tried to push the thoughts away.

It came as no surprise when he looked down at Jesus and realized that his pants were much tighter than before, then leaning back again and releasing a breathy moan as Jesus started sucking… each and every one of his fingers. Was it weird that he could get turned on by this? _No, not at all_. Jude let himself relax and sink back into his chair, reveling in the sensation of having each of his fingers inside Jesus’s mouth; _all_ the way inside. Jude let Jesus do what he wanted with his hand, and before he knew it, he was then taking two fingers. Then three. Making sure that not one inch of his hand wasn’t covered in… Jesus’s saliva. Jude couldn’t help but shiver again at the realization.

Suddenly, Jesus stopped. Jude looked down again with a slightly disappointed look on his face, and noticed his change of expression. Jesus was listening, his head slightly angled toward the door: making sure no one was creeping around outside and they could be undisturbed for a little longer.

“What, do those meds give you the ears of a fox, too?” Jude murmured. Jesus turned to look back at him, giving an incredibly weak smirk that made the both of them not forget about the task at hand.

Jesus slowly lowered his head again, and now Jude understands why he stopped to listen. Inescapable moans came out of his mouth as Jesus went in with his tongue, teasingly playing in and around Jude’s fingers, only just brushing it across the skin which made his hairs stand up. Jude’s pants were impossibly tight now, which Jesus seemed to notice. After a couple of minutes of tongue-swiping, Jude was practically begging for release. He knew that, by the way that Jesus was handling him, Jesus was definitely the one ‘in control’, and so he’d long resisted the urge to lower his other hand to his waistband in favor of his older brother’s control.

After intentionally teasing Jude for what felt like an hour, Jesus decided it was time to finish the job. Lubing his lips with his tongue, he took Jude’s fingers in his mouth again, and started moving his head back and forth, using the same hand that was holding them up to slowly caress and massage them. Jesus’s other hand let go of the chair, and ghosted its way down Jude’s body before landing softly on his thigh (which was hard to do, mind you, no thanks to the tightness of that area). Jude felt the fabric push down with Jesus’s pressure on his thigh, moaning at the friction. He let himself shift in his seat to further satisfy the sensation, feeling Jesus’s hand tighten around his thigh, reminding him not to move.

Jesus kept sucking on Jude’s fingers, allowing his mouth to make little audible _pop_ sounds whenever he let go for air. Jude hadn’t realized that he’d started sweating, but he ignored it. He closed his eyes, letting his mind travel to places he’d never deemed possible, feeling himself being doused in pleasure. Jude’s breath hitched one last time as Jesus stroked his tongue across another finger, still in his mouth, and by then there was no going back. His thoughts washed away, his back arched off the chair and he opened his eyes to see… Noah? He strained to look in front of him, but the more he tried to focus the more his vision faded and he continued to lose control. Jude’s entire body was shaking as wave after wave sent him into a wild enigma, completely losing his ability to breathe and make noise.

After about a minute of the most intense pleasure he’s ever felt in his life, Jude’s body began to relax. He let himself slide down the length of the chair until his head was almost on the seat itself, breathing heavily through open mouth. He tried opening his eyes again, and saw Jesus sitting on his knees, staring in awe. He didn’t even seem to care that his mouth was slightly agape, or that his sweatpants were also extremely tighter. He just sat there, taking in the now breathy moans from the crumpled up, messy sight of his younger foster brother.

Finally Jesus stood up, and Jude closed his eyes, unable to do anything else; his body still shaking sporadically as if he’d been electrocuted. He felt a warm hand feel his forehead, and then leave it much too soon. Jude had just enough energy to open his eyes again, and watch Jesus disappear into the bathroom without another word. He let his head fall back against the chair, threatening to fall off in his current position.

“Jesus…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry? Dayum.  
> I dunno what I've written or why I even did it. But I did. So there.
> 
> To be perfectly honest, this was my first real *solid* attempt at writing smut. #enddreamhere
> 
> But seriously, I'm glad I got this out. I did plan on making this only three chapters, but now I'm thinking of adding some random one-shot chapters or spinoffs following this short story. Not sure yet. Let me know what you think :) I suppose it wouldn't exactly be fair to leave this on a 'cliffhanger' of sorts... but at the same time, let your imagination make up the rest.
> 
> Thanks guys <3


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